It seems inevitable to go through some level of an identity crisis after having a baby, let’s face it: Motherhood causes a major shift in our priorities. The truth is, dating will become more difficult too. The nonchalance with which you used to meet people probably isn’t the best tactic now you’re a mum. Plus, your instincts might also be screaming “find a partner” and first dates are now conducted in a similar fashion to how you would conduct an interview. But also, where are you going to meet people…
In my professional career as a dating coach these are very common issues my clients face when getting back into the dating scene and wanting to shake the ‘mumsy’ look. Redefining your identity is a large part of my role as Matchmaker and I work one on one to help women achieve that. Getting your sex appeal back and not feeling like you showed up to meet your match after the ‘school drop off’ is my ultimate goal when you hit the Perth dating scene. If by chance you do balls it up, get half cut on your first date and end up a blubbering mess, I will be there to help you get back on the dating wagon….It happens.
When you become a mum life changes forever. Okay, I state the obvious. Inevitably elements of your identity will have slipped and you have very little time for yourself. And yes, over time may have lost sight of the person you were before becoming a mum.
“I eat out less”
“I travel less”
“I had a social life”
“I slept when I wanted and stayed up if I didn’t.”
Seems you were in control of your life and though you are still in control things are certainly different. I know what you’re thinking and no, this is not a bad thing… But does it always have to go “Mum” first?
For a long while it has and while there is nothing wrong with that, when it comes to professional matchmaking and choosing to date again, it’s time to take the steps into redefining and rediscover that other person inside you.
Diving onto online dating, meet up groups or speed dating can be very overwhelming, not to mention the dating scene in general can leave you feeling dismissed, demoralised and rejected at the best of times. Let alone at a time in your life when you are already vulnerable.
Reasons mums lose their identity:
Their lives revolve around their kids. SHOCK. But you have to admit there is a difference between your daily routine revolving around the kids and the entire meaning of your life revolving around them. You can still be a mum 24/7 but be active in other things.
They stop caring about how they look. Clearly you don’t have the time or the need to colour co-ordinate your gym outfit and contour your cheek bones and to be honest, who does. But the small things you used to do to feel attractive will really make a difference.
They have got to slow down. Mothers will generally suffer from loneliness, isolation and boredom when their babies are small and at home. This life change may make you feel like a different person, impacting your personality and temperament. Though this might not seem like an issue for you it could still affect how you see yourself.
So, how much time should you spend on your hair and makeup verses time spent with your little one? Because you probably forgot how find me time whilst being super mum here are some suggestions on how to treat yourself!
- Phone a friend. And not just any friend, a real friend. The type of friend you can have a serious catch up with. Talk about all the ‘me’ defining memories that will make you laugh from the bottom of your belly.
- Get some exercise. And not because you need to be an Instagram model to get a date or society says you gotta lose the baby fat to get a boyfriend … Because you really, truly deserve it. Do it because exercise releases happy hormones and endorphins and everyone deserves that. Besides, this happiness prescription only includes 20 minutes 3 times a week and well, we can all get on board with that kinda commitment.
- Feel connected. We all like to feel like part of the bigger picture and why not dabble with nature and plant something – get out of your own little world and into the real one. It’s called Nature.
- Find the music. Think of the music you loved pre-baby. How it made you move and sing and feel. Slowly, with enough of your pre-loved tracks you might just feel like the old you. If only for a moment.
- Be open and honest about your insecurities. Letting insecurities fester can become crippling and cause conflict in many ways. Maybe you’re not the career girl you dreamed of or still rocking a mum bod you used to dread. Basic instinct of a mum is to put herself last, but lack of me time is more detrimental than lack of sleep.
- Take a moment. Take an hour to switch off mum mood. Try to resist the urge to talk about the children and remember the things that redefine you! Ambitions, dreams, goals, musical interested (that doesn’t involve Disney), the things that make your heart sing and used to set your soul on fire. Put the baby in the crib and do that one thing you always loved to do, for you. Paint your nails, do your makeup, put on your favourite outfit. If for no one else do it just for you (and the baby) you’ll feel better.
Entering the dating scene is more than ticking a box. Professional matchmaking and coaching is also about helping you redefine yourself again. So while you take care of you, we’ll take care of everything else. You may never find the life you had pre-mum life and that’s okay. But you might start to feel like yourself once again.
#Professionalmatchmaking #Datenight #Professionaldating #Perthdating